A Fairytale NYC Style

A Fairytale – NYC Style

Dig this children. There once was a rapper named Snowy White. He got his name because he had a shock of white hair just over his left eyebrow, mixed in with the rest of his ‘fro. Snowy wasn’t as cool as other rappers like Ice-T, Ice-Cube, Vanilla Ice or any of the other ice-types. (And let’s face it, Vanilla Ice wasn’t as cool as he had been, once upon a time, children.)

Anyway, one day Snowy was walking to the subway when he ran into a real goon squad. They called themselves the Seven Smashers, and they walked around with wooden mallets hidden in their backpacks. When they saw a Mercedes or Lexus with a great sound system, they got to work with their mallets and smashed windows and trunks when no one was looking. As you can imagine, they didn’t want anyone watching them, or knowing their business.

So here’s Snowy, just trying to get to the subway so he can visit his girlfriend, Princess, out in Brooklyn which is quite a ride from the Bronx, children. Meanwhile, one of the Seven Smashers, a dude everybody called The Dope, had just scored a sweet 10 changer CD carousel from the trunk of an Escalade right near the 138th and 3rd entrance. And guess what, here comes Snowy, minding his own, but he runs right into the Smashers.

The Dope grabbed Snowy by the arm and dragged him into the Smasher’s van. All Seven smacked Snowy around pretty good, and blindfolded him. They drove him back to their hideout, which shared a doorway with a shooting gallery, so you can guess that nobody was going to bother looking for them there, kids. Not even the po-po.

Meanwhile, Princess was pissed when Snowy didn’t show up in Brooklyn. She was a bit of a diva, let’s be real, but she loved Snowy all the same. She wasn’t going to let him get away with standing her up like that, a sister’s got to get some respect. So she got on the subway and headed to the Bronx to find Snowy and give him a piece of her mind. She could really take care of herself, that girl.

Back at the hideout, the Smashers celebrated their score with a couple of forties. They left Snowy blindfolded on a stained mattress in the corner, where he fell asleep.

When Princess got to 138th, she went right to Shorty’s BBQ where she knew a guy called the Axeman, who was a great short rib cook. He wielded a meat cleaver like nobody’s business, and knew how to make very succulent pulled pork, children. Axeman knew everybody in the hood, and he had seen Snowy run into the Smashers. He could guess the rest, but as a rule, he was no snitch.

Then again, Princess had the goods on him because he was dating her cousin Tonya. Axeman and Princess were pretty tight as a result. So, as these things go, Axeman offered to take a walk over to the Smasher’s place after he set Princess up with a plate of ribs and some sweet tea at Shorty’s.

Axeman grabbed his snub-nosed and put it in the pocket of his jacket. He didn’t want trouble, but trouble always had a way of popping up in their neighborhood. What I’m saying is, Axeman was in the better-safe-than-sorry camp, kids. Meanwhile, in a stroke of brilliance, he also brought along seven pulled pork sandwiches as a peace offering. People have been bought off for less, you know.

When the Axeman went into the Smasher’s place, he called out, “Hey Dope, it’s Axeman. I got some pulled pork sandwiches for you bro.”

The Dope was a little suspicious, because Axeman normally didn’t visit him at their crib, but he was cool with it. “Thanks man. Why’d you bring these over here?”

Axeman nodded to the huddled figure in the corner. “You know my girl Tonya right yo?”

The Dope nodded, “Yeah?”

“That’s her cousin Princess’s boyfriend. If he gets clipped, I’m not getting any for a year. Can you do me a solid?”

The Dope laughed and laughed, and took the sandwiches. He unwrapped one and took a big bite and smiled. His gold cap twinkled. “You can have him.”

The Dope went and kicked the mattress. Snowy woke up and sat up, still blindfolded. The Axeman walked Snowy right out of that hell hole, children, and reunited Princess with Snowy back at Shorty’s.

Now, if you’re looking for a moral to this tale, kids, and I’m sure you are – all I can tell you is it’s better to find a place in Brooklyn somewhere near the L.


One Response

  1. […] And given my undying love of New York City, I had to take a swipe at the folks that call Gotham home. During Hurricane Irene I wrote What Upper West Siders Did During the Hurricane , but I also wrote a fantasy fairytale piece about Snowy White and the Seven Smashers in A Rapper Fairytale – NYC Style. […]

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