What Upper West Siders Did During the Hurricane

Friday Night

  1. Complain about the need to reschedule Sat. night Phantom of the Opera tickets
  2. Order one take out steak from Peter Lugers (with a side of creamed spinach).
  3. Eat two bites of creamed spinach and one square inch of steak. Put leftovers in refrigerator.
  4. Consume two bottles of good red wine.


  1. Order two bagels from Dean and Deluca. Get lox and cream cheese in small plastic containers. Place in refrigerator.
  2. Complain that the subways are closing. Chef cannot reheat the steak because he lives in Brooklyn. (Ask Concierge how to turn on the stove.)
  3. Give Doorman extra tip for carrying case of Perrier up to the apartment. (Complain to Doorman how Maid is not available to put the bottles away.)
  4. Place two bottles of Perrier in the refrigerator. (Complain to self that Safeway was out of bottled Volvic.)
  5. Complain that there is nothing good on television except for all those sad reporters in bad rainwear hovering over small puddles. Not one of them is wearing Ralph Loren, not even the sport line.
  6. Fret that the windows will need to be washed immediately after the storm. Call Concierge to ensure windows will be washed on Monday.

Sunday Morning and Early Afternoon

  1. Complain that there isn’t much rain or wind during the hurricane.
  2. Complain that there was not enough flooding during the hurricane, not even downtown in Battery Park where it’s unfashionable to live.
  3. Call Maid #2 at Hampton’s house to ensure that the windows will be washed on Monday. When Maid #2 does not answer the phone, complain to self that it’s impossible to get good help.
  4. Eat a bagel with lox and cream cheese and consume one bottle of Perrier. (Complain to self that there are no fresh limes to put in the water.)
  5. Complain to Concierge that the fitness center in the building is closed just because it is in the basement. Complain that bagel carbs, left un-worked off, will go straight to hips.
  6. Open a rare bottle of Madiera that was being saved for 20th wedding anniversary that was retained during the divorce settlement. Consume half of the Madiera.

Sunday Late Afternoon

  1. Call best gay friend and explain how you have somehow managed to survive the hurricane in the most chic fashion. Coyly drop the name of the Madiera that was consumed earlier.
  2. Complain that there was very little evidence of damage in Manhattan due to the hurricane.
  3. Complain that the Mayor, the Police and the Fire Department have disrupted a perfectly fine weekend.
  4. Determine which Upper East Side establishments are open for a late brunch. Mimosas don’t make themselves, after all.
  5. Make plans with gay friend to meet at chic brunch establishment.
  6. Select best hurricane worthy head scarf, of a sort Audrey Hepburn might have worn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Tie scarf in a jaunty, but completely chic way.
  7. Have Driver take you where you need to go.
  8. Meet gay friend at chic brunch spot and immediately order a round of Mimosas. Spend the next three hours engaged in the most delightful bitch session about the poor taste in clothing of the other brunch diners.
  9. Return home to the penthouse, secure in the knowledge that Upper West Siders can survive a natural disaster without assistance from others.

4 Responses

  1. LOL that’s funny.

  2. […] York City, I had to take a swipe at the folks that call Gotham home. During Hurricane Irene I wrote What Upper West Siders Did During the Hurricane , but I also wrote a fantasy fairytale piece about Snowy White and the Seven Smashers in A Rapper […]

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