Why We Need Hair Insurance

I was thinking about all the insurance we buy and I’ve realized there is a huge gap in the market. You buy insurance for your body, teeth and eyes. Insurance for your body sometimes includes coverage for your mind too, if you start seeing your best friend Fred from second grade sitting at the edge of your bed each night, for example, you can go talk to someone about it. And of course, let’s not forget insurance to give us all our recommended daily allowance of pills in many colors and sizes.

But there is a critical piece of the body still missing from the insurance market: we need insurance for our hair.

Think about it, what does a man dread more, losing his hair or losing a tooth? You can get a tooth pulled out and no one is the wiser. The dentist can even create an imposter tooth and most people will never notice. But when you see an imposter hair piece on a man, you can spot it immediately. That mismatched squirrel sitting on his scalp isn’t fooling anyone.

Now please don’t get me wrong, bald is beautiful. If a man (or a woman) wants to shave their head, or if they have lost all their hair for any reason, a bald pate can be a lovely thing. In the case of Yul Brenner in the 10 Commandments, it’s damn sexy and made a nice foil for Charleton Heston’s head of wavy brown curls. I’m just saying people who have hair, or want hair, should consider lobbying to insure said hair.

Of course, a woman is even more likely to buy insurance for her hair than a man. Imagine a world where your hair insurance provides coverage for regular check-ups. Women go for hair check-ups each year more routinely than they go to their gyno, regular doctor, eye doctor and dentist combined.

And then we have to think of all the special procedures we’d need covered by hair insurance. First, there would be the “bad hair color” insurance which would allow for a woman to get her hair color re-balanced when the original hair doctor mixed too much x with y and came up with a shade of orange not seen in nature.

Then we’d need hair insurance for a poor haircut. This would be more along the lines of a malpractice suit, I’m thinking, since there isn’t too much a hair doctor can do to uncut hair. Even if they refund the entire price of the bad cut, it doesn’t undo the damage, so payment of damages are in order.

I wonder who would sit on the Hair Insurance Panel (similar to these death panels we’ve been hearing about in the news lately, no doubt) to determine whether or not the insured should be covered for such and such procedure. Life and death questions would need to be debated. 

  • Would the hair insurance company be so cruel as to not allow the proper over and under tones to be added to a basic color? (Say it ain’t so!)
  • Would they refuse to cover a styling and blow-out automatically with a cut? (Unthinkable!)
  • Would they dare to prevent extensions from being woven into the head of a woman who has a major event coming up? (Oh the humanity!)

And while hair insurance is certainly a fantastic idea, I haven’t even touched on other services that could be covered as extras, like mani-pedi’s gone awry and waxing (enough said). 

So come on insurance providers, the market for these things is still wide open.



4 Responses

  1. Bad color hair insurance? Oh yeah! 😉

    • Right on Sister.

      You know, it reminds me of the colorist who once said to me, “so I don’t do single strand of hair highlights. I just paint on the color and make it ‘chunky'” – GROAN –

      There should be laws against that!

  2. You joke, Carol, but this could happen. In fact, I’d be surprised if it doesn’t. (And if it does, I’m blaming you!)

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