Humor: Steal Team 5.99 Goes Shopping

Steal Team 5.99 Goes Shopping

Good evening, this is Brenda Spivens, Channel Three News, reporting.

Six men clad in black in what appeared to be Steal Team 5.99 uniforms crashed through the skylight in the United States Mall today. Shards of glass rained down on bystanders waiting in line for fried chicken, pizza and pixelated ice cream from the future. The owner of the Buddha’s Joy Chinese food stand said she heard the sound of a helicopter just before the crash.

The men rappelled down to the center of the food court where they were seen opening backpacks. They unfolded numerous black paper bags with black twine handles with “ST5.99 Shop-Op” printed in gold lettering. One man, who seemed to be the leader, had a map of the mall with several locations circled in black. All six men synchronized their watches at the team leader’s command.

Four of the men were observed entering American Buzzard Clothing while the remaining two stood outside the entrance. They informed shoppers the store was on “lock down” and brandished automatic weapons and threatened to immobilize them if they attempted to go inside to try on tee shirts or jeans.

Inside the store, one panicked sales clerk kept telling one of the Steal Team members his butt didn’t look big in the pair of black jeans the Steal Team member tried on–to no avail. The man pulled out a bowie knife from his tool belt and offered to wear the clerk as a pair of pants instead. The clerk and Steal Team member finally reached a compromise when the clerk found a pair of acid washed pajama jeans on the sale rack.

After completing Phase One of their Shop-Op, the Steal Team went to Bubble and Body and demanded to wash their hands with the latest Vanilla-Mango Breeze body wash collection. One of the Steal Team members did not like Vanilla-Mango Breeze and wanted Ocean Mist instead, but Bubble and Body was out of their most popular brand of body wash. The enraged Steal Team member shot up a display of Strawberry and Raspberry Body Butters which created a dangerous mess.

Several clerks slipped and fell on the laminated faux-wood floors that became slick with these products. The Bubble and Body shop is now closed indefinitely to repair the damage and the clerks have been provided with retail therapists to help them through the trauma.

When the mall cops finally arrived, the Steal Team members were drinking smoothies, exhausted by their rampage. The cops handcuffed the men and led them away, some of whom were seen weeping with gratitude. Please, I can’t take any more, one Steal Team member was overheard saying, the sale signs, the nasty clerks, the fluorescent lighting, the muzak, it’s all just too much.