I’ve been hiding in my New York City closet for some time now, alluding to the fact that sometimes I went to a place far away, someplace I was hesitant to admit I was going… but it’s true:
There, I’ve said it. I can only hope my New York City friends won’t hold it against me, but I’m cheating on them with California.
It’s been a few months now since I started my new job, which has had me on the run to the San Jose/Silicon Valley area. I’ve been spending so much time there for my job – weeks on end – I’m starting to get to know the place better. I’m making friends in California (at work, but it’s a start to establishing my personal network there…) and going out and exploring new places with them, having lunches and dinners, etc. They’ve gone out of their way to make me feel welcome and for that I’m very grateful. There are already a few people I can easily see becoming good friends with, which is a pretty amazing thing to say after such a short period of time.
Eventually, I will have to pick up my belongings from Jersey City/NYC and relocate to the West Coast, somewhere in the San Jose area. So this bi-coastal living is really only a temporary limbo, but an important one because right now I have the best of both worlds… I can come home on weekends and see my friends and maintain the kind of in-person contact that’s so crucial for relationships, and I get to spend time with my new friends in California when I’m there.
I won’t say it’s all roses and rainbows though, it is strange to live out of a hotel room for weeks on end. I can’t call it “hard” because all of my physical needs are taken care of: food, shelter, clothing… but this life is disruptive to having any kind of routine. It also makes it more challenging to maintain the close personal relationships that are so important to me, without those, I become emotionally adrift in my life. Those are the toughest moments. I’ve noticed a tendancy to feel melancholy when I’m alone in the hotel room at night, sitting and reading a book, wondering what the hell I’m doing with my life… then the moment passes. I do my best to refocus on the tasks at hand.
Transitions are, by definition, in-between spaces. They aren’t intended to be permanent places to rest, they are a moment in time when you are in limbo, neither here nor there, neither one thing or another.
That describes how I’m feeling these days, I’m neither in Jersey City or San Jose. I’m not with my closest friends as much as I had been, and I’m not with my new friends as much as I could be.
Yesterday I was on a plane from California to New Jersey. In a week or so I’ll be on a plane from New Jersey to California. And so it will go, and so I will go. It’s not an easy thing, living in this in-between space, in this bi-coastal life, but I’m managing for now and hope to find a place inside myself where I can call home, a resting place that is both here and there… one thing and the other.